I say "HELL EFF-ING NO TO BEING BORG-IFIED!!!"
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Therefore, it is only befitting that the first thing I talk about is going to be something that an awesome friend of mine is involved in. It's called Fantasy Factor.
No, it's not THAT kind of fantasy. It's like fantasy football, baseball and stuff.
Now. I don't know a whole lot about sports. I was in marching band for about 3 years and I can sum up everything I know about football as follows:
- I want my team to win
- My team is usually the one wearing colors I like. This is how I figure out what team I like.
- You get 4 trys (otherwise knows as a "down". You know. Like, "yo, I'm so down" but not in that context. Actually, come to think about it, I have no idea why it's called a down. Maybe it's like a taunt....kinda like "Dude, you're going DOWN!" Yes? No? I've no idea) to gain 10 yards. Oh. And then it's called First Down. Okay, please disregard everything else I just said.
- A touchdown = 6 points
- If they kick the football through that U-shaped thing, they get a point
- If they rush the line and make it through, I think they get 2 points
- If they run one way, that's good. They don't get extra points for running lots of yards the wrong way.
- Something about a Hail Mary.
As you can see, I'm a friggin' GENIUS when it comes to sports.
Now. On to baseball. Here's what I know :
- Man with 4 balls cannot walk. This nugget of super insight is courtesy of none other than Confucius. Just kidding.
- I like boys in baseball caps.
- Uh...there's something known as a pinch hitter. I think this is the guy that gets them out of a pinch. I'm super smart.
- HOOOOME RUUUUUN!!!!
I'm going to share what I know about basketball :
- when did they stop wearing shorter shorts? Their uniforms are way longer now. I'm really observant, as you can tell.
- Free throws = 1 pt.
- A normal basket = 2 pts.
- A three pointer = ....3 pts.
- You can't elbow people in the face. They don't call that a party foul because it's known as a "foul". Those are no good because it's bad sportsmanship....and because the person you just introduced your elbow to now gets a to do freethrows. Good job.
- They run. A lot.
- I used to play a lot back in the day but it was all for fun. The boys didn't like to play my girlfriends and I because we used to beat their pants off. What a bunch of cry babies.
- I don't play anymore. :D
So now I'm registered with Fantasy Factor. If someone like me can use their interface to figure things out, then everyone can. The site is well designed and not visually overwhelming because I can make sense of it. That's an awesome thing because I'd to be able to figure out how I'm going to romp on everyone else's pansy teams. That's right. Ya heeeard me.
I'm now off to make my cousins pick my fantasy team for me because I have no idea who the players are. I rock.
Oh yeah. One other thing. Have you ever noticed how almost all the positions in football involve the word "back" whereas basketball has a lot of positions with the word "guard"? Why is that?
Football = "down" and "back"
What does that add up to? BACK DOWN!!
I am too smart for my own good sometime. You have the option of playing for free fun or for cash prizes. If you go the money route, play responsibly and have a ball.
Get it? Ball? Sports? I'm funny. x)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
My Two Page Movie Review Is Here
Guess where my review ended up?
IT'S ON IMDb!!!
Yeah. IMDb. If you scroll down to the bottom of the list, you'll see YouBentMyWookie.com [MissBonnified].
That's me. And my review.
When I found out, guess what my first thought and reaction was?
"....holy crap....that's me. ....I'm going to throw up now".
That's right. My first gut reaction (har har har) when discovering that MY REVIEW is on this site was to toss my cookies. I was (and still am) that excited.
I'm on the same eff-ing page of critics as Roger Ebert, the LA Times, NY Times and other really cool sites/people/stuff.
Friday, August 14, 2009
So the whole grandbaby thing out of my womb is put on hold because she's currently fixated on how to get me to land a husband. I told her the order goes like thus :
1. Meeting someone
2. Going on date(s) with said someone
3. DATING this person
4. Dating this person exclusively
...and then he pops the question and then we get married.
Then again, she was also the one who was half joking when she said she'd be okay with me as a single mother. Can you blame me for wanting to make sure she knows the right steps on how things go?
She's tried everything. She wants to set me up with the sons of her friends...who happen to live in a whole 'nother country. That's right. You read it correctly.
Not "county". Not "down the street", "next door" or, hell, "a couple of states over". She's taking it to the level of Foreign Nations and stuff. Kind of makes the whole "dating" thing weird unless he wants to keep flying me out to see him or he wants to fly down here to see me.
Then she starts attacking my closet. 90% of what I own (hospital scrubs aside) are black. She flipped through my stuff and let the following comment slip out *oops* like it was an accident.
"Aiya, Bonnie....at least we know you're always ready for a funeral".
My mom, the comedian. Bada bing.
Having skewered my taste in colors (or lack thereof), she moved in on my jeans. She firmly believes that I need to wear jeans that show off my ASSets more. I see nothing wrong with my jeans! They fit! They're comfortable! They don't make muffin tops of my hips!!
She's arguing that I need to wear TIGHTER jeans!! This is her point :
"Aiya!! Bonnie! How do you ever plan on getting a nice boyfriend when you won't wear clothes that show off your nice figure and your butt?"
Um...yeah. So this was my counterargument :
"MOMMY!!! DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GO OUT WITH A GUY BECAUSE HE ONLY LIKES MY BUTT?! AND THAT WAS WHAT GOT HIS ATTENTION?! What the hell kind of a 'nice boyfriend' do you think I'd get if I wore super tight ass jeans all the time! I'm willing to bet they're not the kind of 'nice boyfriends' you're thinking of!"
Yeah....she kind of stopped harping on my jeans now. ;)
I didn't know why she suddenly stopped with the whole loving nagging thing...that is, until her plan was revealed to me.
It turns out there's this temple in Taiwan that specializes in finding love for those who look for it. My mom has decided to enlist the powers of Heaven in helping me find a good man.
Yes, people. My mom has finally decided my ass needs all the help I can get because:
1. No earthly force is strong enough to sufficiently wear me down enough to succumb to any man besides the Sandman (and even he's a bastard sometimes. Geez...)
2. I am beyond all human help. Only the gods and Divine intervention can save me now.
My mom goes to these monks and speaks with them in Japanese/Chinese. I don't know if she explained my situation to those poor monks but if she did, I can imagine it sounding a little like this :
Si Fu, you don't understand. My first born, my dragonfly of a daughter, is a sweet girl. She is so smart....she probably could've been a genius if I hadn't dropped...never mind...
She always makes people laugh...especially me but I think I'm biased because I'm her mother.
She's tall...actually, she's freakishly tall...and I tell her to stop wearing such high heels because even though they make her beautiful legs (she gets them from me) look even lovelier, it also makes her a giant and all the other boys look too short next to her. Aiya, and she's too stubborn to stop wearing them!
She says 'It's not my fault I'm tall. Milk did my body gooooood, Mommy! Thanks! Too bad they didn't have you around to make them drink it the way you got me to drink it every day! ...maybe that's a good thing because if they did have you around to do that for them, then that means they're my brother and I don't swang that-a-way, Mommy. That's just gross and sick and I don't get down like that. So. Like I was saying. It's not my fault I'm so much taller. Tee hee hee, I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!!!'
Si Fu...she's a wonderful, lovely girl...but AIYA, SI FU!! SHE'S SOOOOO STUBBORN!!
There is no getting through to that girl! I tell her all the time she needs to find a nice man who will love her, cherish her and adore her so they can get married and start a family. But what do you think she says to me, Si Fu? She tells me 'Argh...Mommy, I will I will!! I'm just too busy right now! I'll find him when the time is right or he'll find me when the time's right but since we haven't found each other yet, OBVIOUSLY it's not the right time! Right? Oh...heytimetogobacktoworkILOVEYOU,MOMMY,BYE!!'
That's what she says to me, Si Fu. I keep telling her that she's not a blushing blossom anymore but she won't listen to me! I tell her that a woman after the age of 25 is like a flower that is starting to wilt. But she laughs at me! At ME!! HER MOTHER!! And then you know what she say, Si Fu? She says to me 'Mommy. Don't you know that 30 is the new 20?'
Si Fu, she says that to me. I'm her mother. Mei Da, Mei Xiao!
[rough translation = "no differentiation between the larger and the smaller of the two. Essentially, it means I'm not recognizing the fact that she's my elder thus worthy of respect. I think my Mommy feels like this sometimes because I'm always giggling and I run circles around her when we're discussing this issue. She loves me. I can tell. Haa haa haa! :D Back to the story]
She says that like it's the best excuse ever and then she has the nerve to tell me (HER MOTHER), 'Oh, hey look! I'm technically not 30 yet! I'm still good to go'....and then she laugh at me.
Si Fu....what am I to do? Can you not help me help her in her quest to find love? Sure, she might not TELL me she's looking for love but I'm her mother. I know best. I don't care what she THINKS she knows. I know. I'm her mother."
I think Si Fu might've felt bad for my mother because I get the following package in the mail.
Yummy yummy!! SUGARSUGARSUGAR!
FOR ME! I can haz it!
MINE MINE MINE GIVE TO ME NOW OMG
I super <3 the little pouch thingy.
I've no idea what it says.
Barney the Tapeworm super <3 the sugary treats
Yup. I apparently need a combo of not 1. Not 2. Heck, not even 3. I need an arsenal of 4 different heavenly amulets and, literally, blessed sugary goodness.
The first object is like an amulet. I looked inside it and found a spool of red thread. I'll explain this next time.
The next 3 are cookies and candies. I'll tell the funny story about how my mom almost threw down AT THE TEMPLE for this cookie. My mom's GANGSTA!! One is a Japanese milk candy. I LOVE THIS STUFF!! The next one is a strawberry candy. I love that one too!!
It should be no surprise that I ate them all. It was yummy. :D
Let's see if all my mom's hard work pays off. ^___^
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I knew exactly where it came from. I also knew who dared to defile my car.
I think I'm going to calm down a bit before going any further because to say I am not happy is like Captain Obvious pointing out that water is wet, fire is hot and if I ever see that person again, I'm not only going to make them detail my car but I'm going to make him lick the grease from said onions off of my leather seats.
Monday, August 10, 2009
I'll get into more details later. I'm so tired and I have this thing called "work" in the morning. Omg...
What a crazy weekend. I'm actually glad it's over... x)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Okay, now that I got that cleared up, I'm going to tell you why. I know what the reviews are. I know what they scored on RottenTomatoes.com. So ask me if I care. I don't. Besides, I don't take anything seriously from the site named after deteriorating vegetables. I also don't particularly care about the opinions of people I don't know because I'm a big girl now and I can make my own opinions, mmkaythxbye.
So here's why I liked it in a nutshell :
1. Sh!t Gets Blown UP OMG
Don't get me wrong. I love me some chick flicks to get all emo.funkdafied to but I also really Really REALLY love movies that spend most of their budget figuring out ways to blow shit up in really interesting ways.
2. Hot Chicks In Slinky Outfits
There is something incredibly sexy about the female figure. I'm not talking about the supermodels because they remind me of adolescent boys with melons mounted on their chest wall. Not sexy.
Sienna Miller is perfect as the Baroness. Rachel Nichols isn't bad as Scarlett. I didn't really know how I felt about her playing the same character I adored as a little girl who barely knew English but she grew on me.
Did I mention there's a killer girl-on-girl brawl? Not that I advocate violence but some bitches just need their asses kicked. I won't say who won the Catfight Of The Catsuits.
3. Almost * sort of * Hairless Cabana Boys
Ripcord, Duke and Storm Shadow all get half naked.
There is a God. This is probably what will get all the females into the theater. I have to say this is pretty smart of whoever wrote this movie. Not too many girls are like me, meaning :
a. I like video games
b. I like comic books
c. I like movies where stuff gets blown up
However, I can't think of many women who won't enjoy a succulent piece of eye candy. :D
What's even smarter is who they got to get half nekkid. Think about it.
You got your All American in the form of Duke/Channing Tatum.
You got your hot chocolate served up courtesy of Ripcord/Marlon Wayans.
And Storm Shadow/Byung Hun Lee puts it down as a prime example of why Asian men are fucking hot as hell. Hello. Did you not peep that bod on that man? I sure did.
Added bonus and my personal favorite?
4. Hellooooooo, Ninja Man
Hi. I think I love you.
Haa haa haa omg.
I love the strong and silent men. This probably explains my current obsession with Snake Eyes. Yes, he doesn't talk. He's a wounded man. Makes you wanna take his pain away.
He swings wicked katana. He knows his way around a gun. The man doesn't know the meaning of "give up".
Did I mention that outfit of his doesn't exactly leave a whole lot to the imagination?
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Comic Con was about 2 weeks ago. I'm still trying to recover. That's sad. I chalk it up to running around in costume from press room to press room trying to figure out where the hell I'm going. I'm super happy to say I didn't get lost ONCE!! As in, I DIDN'T GET LOST AT ALL!!! And I managed to do this without the help of any hairless cabana boys. That's how awesome I am. I even * sort of * learned how to read a map! I'm very proud of myself.
What were the highlights of Comic Con for me?
1. I Got My Cherry Popped Twice
I was a virgin to Comic Con and interviewing people. Comic Con was crazy. The first ever guy I interviewed, David Johnson, was so nice. He's the screenwriter of the super creepy movie "The Orphan".
I ended up being late for the interview because of the hellacious thing known as Traffic but he was kind enough to spare me a few moments and answered my questions. He is teh awesomeness. He was gentle. Haa haa haa!!!
2. OMFG, IT'S TIM BURTON!!!
I GOT TO INTERVIEW TIM BURTON!!!
I GOT TO INTERVIEW TIM BURTON!!!
I got to ask the man himself two questions about his upcoming Alice In Wonderland movie. And he answered them.
I nearly fainted.
3. Geeked Out
I also got to pretend I was something of a weird hybrid of Professor Xavier and Jean Grey by playing Mattel's Mind Flex.
I really really want one.
But you know what what really made my Comic Con experience? As in, this even topped my encounter with his Stripey Socksedness, Tim Burton?
I got to hang out with Ray Park. Omg...it was so hard not to squeal like a fangirl because....dude...he's Darth friggin' Maul. Darth Maul is one of the hottest bad guys there is besides Hannibal Lecter.
Hawtness. Epic mad love for any one who can swing that bad boy around.
Something about those cracked out eyes, horns, red and black face just screams "HOT!! HOT HOT HOT!!" And the way he swings that light saber around? Good Lord... Granted, Darth Maul's got some funkay teeth (those have GOT to go) but hey...that's why we have dentists. :D
And now he's Snake Eyes...omg...
Hellloooooo Hello. How you doin'? Haa haa haa!
* ahem * Wow, it's hot in here.
Did I ever mention my favorite colors are black and red?
You know what? I don't care if the critics love the new G.I. Joe movie or not. I really don't care. I'm still going to go see it anyway because I grew up thinking I was Scarlett.
I didn't know a whole lot of English back then but I knew enough to say the following:
"I'm Scarlett. You Cobra bad guys"
...right before I proceeded to reenact scenes from the cartoon episode I had just seen the day before. I was a special little girl.
I didn't want to pepper Ray Park with a bunch of questions when I met him because I didn't think it was fair to bombard the poor man with all the things I wanted to ask him. It was Happy Hour. I wanted to relax. I'm sure he did too. However, I did learn a thing or two...like what exactly Blood Pudding is in addition to another funny dish known as Spotted Dick.
Who knows? Maybe I'll get to interview him one day. Until then, I'm gonna wait for the release of G.I. Joe and finish recuperating from Insanity a.k.a. San Diego Comic Con 2009.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I love to cook because I love to eat. In fact, I joke that I have a tapeworm named Barney. He's known as Barney the Tapeworm. This came about because my friend PanCake and I eat like there's no tomorrow but no one can figure out how and/or why we're not morbidly obese. She's really good about working out. I'm really good at doing anything possible to refrain from sweating unless I absolutely have to.
So we were sitting around one day trying to figure it out when she brought up the fact that people used to joke that she had a tapeworm. She promptly named it "Fred". Her eyes lit up the second she finished the story and said "Omg!!! I think you have a tapeworm too!!!" I immediately named mine "Barney".
Fred? Barney? Like the Flintstones? I r teh clever.
Anyway, since Barney the Tapeworm makes sure my waistline doesn't explode, I do what I can to make him happy. Luckily for me, my taste in food is pretty light. I don't care for fried foods nor do I care for things swimming in sauces. I prefer not to have to dive for my morsels, thanks. I also don't like junk food. I eat fast food only when I'm absolutely desparate. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the occasional burger and hot dog every now and then....but I'm noticing a rather disturbing trend where I'll be making my way out of the club and I'll be screaming for a suicide dog with bacon. I don't know why I always want one so bad at 2:10 in the morning after dancing my ass off for hours. Those suicide dog operators know what they're doing, man....
I like fresh foods, light foods and if there is a sauce, I don't like them creamy. I don't like soda because I prefer tea or water. I'm not big on fruit juice either.
I know. I got lucky although some of my biggest foodie weaknesses are pizza and buffalo wings. OMFG!!!! Gimme gimme gimme I want now mine mine mine!!!! Give to me!!!
Having said all that, I ate the worst crap while I was at Comic Con this past weekend. I ate hot dogs, cheeseburgers and onion rings basically every day because I had no time to eat a real meal! So what does this mean? It means Barney the Tapeworm got overwhelmed and I think he went on strike.
Hoping to lure him back, I decided to cook again but I didn't know what to make.
Can I just say she is like a gift from Bonnie's Culinary Gods? I nearly died when I was watching the following video. Dude. She's rocking out to Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean". How can you NOT love her?! I'm making this the second I figure out where I stuck my blender.
But the following delectable dish...I think I'm gonna try it either today or tomorrow. I'll let you guys know.
I'll post about Comic Con later. I'm still recovering. :D
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I'm totally like that Madonna song. You know which one and in case you don't, it goes a lil something like this:
"LIKE A VIIIRRGGGIN!
TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIMMMEEE!!!"
My karaoke skills ROCK!
I can't wait.
Dude, I'm going as PRESS! How dope is that?!
I get to interview people too. Uh oh. That's kind of scary....but here's the more important question.
What the hell am I going to wear?!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Today is what prepares you for Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the result of Today. What you do with the time you have is on you and no one else. A smart person can learn from any lesson. The wise person will take what they have learned, not just from their own experience but that of others, and apply it.
Whether you can or can't, whether you do or don't, whether you are or aren't. Either way, you're right.
I don't know what to do right now. Actually, that isn't entirely true either. I do know but I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength to do it. I know I'll find my way because I always do but that doesn't mean it'll be easy. Then again, I'm not one to run from a challenge when I know it's worthwhile.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
And this is what I'm listening to right now as the cold wind that haunts this night blows back the covers of a book I had thought I would never see open again.
不值得 by梦飞船 :: Bu Zhi De by Dreamz FM
Chu le xiang ni, chu le ai ni
Besides thinking of you, besides loving you
hu ~ 我什么什么都愿意
hu ~ wo shen me shen me dou yuan yi
hu ~ I’m willing to do anything
Fan kai ri ji zheng li xin qing
Flipping through the diary, straightening up my mood
hu ~ 我真的真的想放弃
hu ~ Wo zhen de zhen de xiang fang qi
hu ~ I really, really think of giving up
Ni shi zhong mei you ai guo
All along, you have never loved [me] before
Ni zai fu yan wo
You are patronizing me
Yi ci yi ci hu lüe wo de gan shou
Every time [you always] neglected my feelings
Wo zhen de gan dao li bu cong xin
I finally feel helpless
Wu li ji xu
No more strength to continue
Zhe gan qing bu zhi de wo you yu
This feeling, is not worth it for me to hesitate
Bu zhi de wo kao lü
Not worth for me to think over
Bu zhi de wo ai guo ni
It’s not worth it that I once loved you
Zhe zhong hui yi bu zhi de wo ti qi
This piece of memory is not worth for me to mention
Bu zhi de xiang qi
Not worth to think about
Bu zhi de ku qi
Not worth crying for
Zhe duan gan qing zao jiu ying gai fang qi
This feeling should be given up earlier
Zao jiu bu gai rang wo lang fei shi jian zhao qi ji
That way, early on it would have not wasted my time looking for a miracle
Zhe yang de ni bu zhi de wo hen ni
Having you like this, is not worth for me to hate you
Bu zhi de wo wei ni er huai le xin qing
Not worth for me to ruin my mood because of you
Wo jue ding bu wei ni er hui le xin
I’ve decided not to let my heart break because of you
Fang qi ai ni
[I’ve] Given up loving you
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Okay. Wait. Rewind.
THEY PAY PEOPLE TO BE COUCH POTATOES?! AND YOU CAN EVEN BE A HIGHLY MOTIVATED ONE?!!! WHY THE HELL DIDN'T MY HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE COUNSELORS TELL ME ABOUT THIS JOB??!! And since it's a job, it must mean it pays!!
I guess she could hear that dead silence on the phone courtesy of me feverishly trying to figure out how this is even possible because I can hear her go "Uh....hello?" and I had to reassure her that I was still on the line. After I asked her to clarify what she said because of what I thought was said, I had to listen to her laugh and gasp out "Omg, Bonnie....you're way too haa haa haa omg haa haa haa cute."
* sigh *
So back on this couch potato thing. I decided that going to the gym is out of the question because it's kind of far away and by the time I talk myself into changing, driving, parking and getting my butt into one, the seasons will have changed and it'll be Christmas time.
This makes me kind of sad because I used to be a workout FIEND. As in, I would be in the gym at last 6 times a week for 3 hours each day. I was a MACHINE!!! Ah-Nold had nothing on me.....except possibly steroids. I'm kidding, your Governatorship. Kidding.
Anyway, I decided that if I can't bring myself to drive the 5 miles to the gym, then I should bring something home so that I would have no excuses. My sister found me one that she SWEARS by and demanded I check it out. I researched it online, found that it was only $9, decided "What the hell....it's $9 which is less than what I'd pay for what passes as a meal in the hospital" and clicked to buy. Now it's here.
I stared at it for a while and admired it's shiny plastic wrapping. After a brief struggle that left me just this side of short of breath, I finally managed to free it from it's super constrictive and very adhesive Safety Tamper thingy. I then decided it was time for a snack and hey, what better way to enjoy a snack than by watching a movie, right?
So I readied a few strips of grilled chicken, some steamed broccoli and water before carrying us all to the living room. I popped in the new workout DVD, settled on my couch and proceeded to watch other people work it out and sweat for 20 minutes while I enjoyed my light lunch.
It was awesome. I felt like I really accomplished something today. I realized that these people doing the exercises are more or less unnatural beings because they can do an ENTIRE grueling workout without making funny faces, grunting or making any other kinds of strange exotic animal sounds all the while keeping a very Barbie-like smile plastered on their face.
Yeah. I'd be beet red, gasping like a fish and trying not to pass out. What happened to me?!
That's it. I'm going to give this thing a try because for $9, seriously, what have I got to lose? ....that is, besides some unwanted pounds. :D
I'm not even looking for the bikini contest body I used to have. Dude, I'll be happy just seeing definition in my arms again. If 400 pound people can do jumping jacks then, dammit, so can I because I'll be spanked by a clown if I epic fail on that one.
Monday, May 11, 2009
:: About The Author ::
Bonnie N. Clyde is the woman behind the articles featured on YouBentMyWookie and AArising where she enjoys the title of Columnist. To date, she has received close to 10,000 hits within the first two months of going live on YouBentMyWookie. When she's not writing about what she thinks of the entertainment industry or about the trials, tribulations and perils of being a single woman, she is providing entertainment for her friends when she goes out on dates. As a retired bartender, Bonnie is regarded as a Love Guru and is highly sought after as a fountain of wise relationship advice despite being chronically single. Her posts on a networking site garnered her quite a cult and her blogs enjoy a healthy following since she's started writing in the wonderful land known as The Internet in 2000. To date, she is approaching 300,000 hits and is featured on a list of Asian American female bloggers on the site AArising.
In addition to pursuing her love of writing, Bonnie enjoys a fascinating career as an Intensive Care Nurse in a specialty unit where life is never boring, is fueled by adrenaline and powered by enough caffeine to jump start a nation of java junkies. Bonnie also enjoyed over 3 years tending after her flock as a bartender which is like a different kind of nursing. Her ability to transform even the most tragic events into something lighter and humorous in addition to her desire to find the rainbow in every storm cloud is why she has the following she commands online but she secretly believes people enjoy reading her material because they think she's slightly off her rocker.
Monday, April 20, 2009
But first things first. So I finally turned in my first piece for one of the websites I'll be writing on. I used to be really good at this whole "save your work as you go along" crap, but dude....I haven't been in school since 2005 which means my rockin' skills as a student are kind of rusty.
I had finished writing my intro piece and was juuuust about to send it when I accidentally deleted the fuggin thing before I sent it. I think I stopped breathing, nearly had a heart attack and then almost managed to pull out all my hair which says a lot about my level of frustration because, dude, I've got a lotta hair.
MUTHAFUNKING PIECE OF @#4O(*74(*& !!!!
Yeah, I was pretty pissed. What a dumb ass rookie mistake! I stared at the blank document for what felt like an eternity because I kept hoping it would somehow bust a Frosted Lucky Charms move complete with the cracked out Leprechaun running around ClydeLapTop's screen making all the lost text reappear while screeching "Frosted Lucky Charms!! They're magically delicious!!"
Sadly, this did not happen which did not do much for my faith in Leprechauns. Then again, with the exception of the little cereal dude who is obviously high on his own supply of sugar ....tsk tsk. Rule Number One - never get high off your own supply. He should raid Tony The Tiger's stash of sugar because God knows there's enough sugar in that cereal to fuel the sugar rush for an entire nation of kids. Then again, I'm not sure how well he'd fare against a mascot that's designed after a predatory killer cat. Hm. Dude, that would be a death match I'd be interested to see. I had a point to all this. Oh yeah. I remember now.
So, like I was saying before I got distracted by myself, with the exception of the Lucky Charms dude, Leprechauns freak me out. Dude, have you guys not seen the posters for that crazy killer one in those old slasher flicks?! Ugh. Gross. Agh. Great. I've managed to freak myself out. That's fan-freaking-tastic.
And how the hell did I go from venting my frustration about losing a piece to sugar dealing leprechauns and horror films? Why am I so random???
Anyway, I had to rewrite my intro piece (MDM, you were right. It was MUCH better the second time around) and I sent it in. Luckily for me, I write the way I talk so it wasn't that bad. I'm kind of sort of a paranoid control freak so I check my email a few hours later and saw that I had gotten a response back and it was a good one.
Yes!! Mission accomplished. Once it's online and running, I'll share the link. Things are looking good in terms of this writing thing. I'm actually pretty overwhelmed, in awe and so grateful that people actually not only want to read about the weird thoughts that go through my head but that it brings joy and laughter into their life. For that, I am truly thankful for what I've been blessed with.
Awe....warm and fuzzy feelings!! :D
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
THIS IS WHAT I GOT IN MY INBOX
From :: firstname.lastname@example.org
dateWed, Apr 15, 2009 at 1:17 PM
subjectU.S. Bancorp Customer Account Information !
U.S. Bank Internet Banking is constantly working to increase security for all our Internet Banking users. To ensure the integrity of our online payment system, we periodically review accounts.
Your account might be placed on restricted status. Restricted accounts continue to receive payments, but they are limited in their ability to send or withdraw funds.
* Bonnie Says :: Wow, I'd actually be worried...but hey! I don't have an account with you so I'm aaaaall good. But thanks for being so concerned, Mr. / Ms. Scam Artist. I feel warm and fuzzy now because I know you have my best interest at heart. *
To lift up this restriction, you need to login into your account, then you have to complete our verification process. You must confirm your account details and your billing information as well. All restricted accounts have their billing information unconfirmed, meaning that you may no longer send money from your account until you have updated your billing information on file.
To initiate the billing update confirmation process, please visit U.S. Bank Internet Banking trough our web formular attached to this email.
* Bonnie Says :: Huh??!! What?? The hell is a "trough" in relations to banking? Isn't that what horses and other barnyard animals get their water and feed from? I didn't know you could do banking from them too. And what the hell is a "formular"? Is that like a formula? Dude, I reason why I rely on internet banking to balance my checkbook for me is because I don't WANT to deal with things like math and "formulars". Mmkaythxbye. *
U.S. Bank Investments apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.
[this part was left blank. How shady!!!]
Bonnie Says :: I'd also like to APOLOGIZE for any inconvenience your horrible spelling may cause.
U.S. Bank - Other banks promise great service, U.S. Bank guarantees it.
Please do not reply to this email. This mailbox is not monitored and you will not receive a response. For assistence, log in to your U.S. Bank Internet Banking account and click the Help link located in the top right corner of any U.S. Bank Internet Banking page. This email (including any attachments) is intended for the above-mentioned person(s). If you are not the intended recipient of this email, please delete this email immediately. It is private and confidential and may contain legally privileged information.
Bonnie Says :: Oh brother....please Please PLEASE STEP UP YOUR GAME AND LEARN TO SPELL!!! If Hooked Oh Phonics really works. I highly recommend it for you people.
This concludes Bonnie's Public Service Announcement for the day.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Kiss Me Thru The Phone - Soulja Boy Tell`em
It's Saturday night. I have 2 different birthday parties I'm supposed to be at right now. I'm trying to do the grown up and responsible thing by staying at home because :
1. I'm still sick.
Dude, this cold is like a toxic exboyfriend that I just cannot shake! I've tried killing it with hardcore antibiotics (disclaimer - I don't kill my exboyfriends / current boyfriends of the toxic or nontoxic variety because I'm not about domestic abuse / emotional abuse / mental abuse / abuse of any kind nor am I keen on the notion of going to prison, mmkaythxbye. My name ain't Chris Brown) but the punk will not go away. It insists on staying put where it is and driving me crazy. What. The. Hell. Yo.
2. I have to work from today till Wednesday.
OMG, WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF??!! STUPID COLD THAT MADE ME CALL OFF SICK ON MY MANDATORY OVERTIME WEEK!! NOW I HAVE TO MAKE UP THE EXTRA DAY NEXT WEEK!! This cold seriously is like a toxic exboyfriend, man. Double You Tee Eff.
So. Since I cannot be out and about with my friends, I decided to play some music as I'm making my lunch for tomorrow and what do I hear? One of my favorite songs!! Yeah, it's the song featured at the beginning of this post. Because it is one of my favorite songs, I do what I always do. I start dancing and once I get started, it's hard to make the Bonnie stop.
I love this song. Why? Because my name's in there. Hell yeah. Within the first minute of the song, you'll hear it.
Baby you know that I miss you, I wanna get with you tonight
But I cannot baby girl and that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you, I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone, I'll see you later on
Kiss me thru the phone, see you when I get home
Baby I know that you like me, you my future wifey
Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, yeah
You can be my Bonnie, I can be your Clyde
You could be my wife, text me, call me
So here's my personal take on it.
Baby, you know that I miss you
Tee hee hee....really?
I wanna get with you tonight
WHAT??!! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?! Boy, you better check yoself right about now.
But I cannot baby girl and that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you, I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone, I'll see you later on
Kiss me thru the phone, see you when I get home
Okay, this is more like it. Good things come to those you wait, sweet pea, and patience is a virtue.
Baby I know that you like me
Oh, yeah? Wow, you must have ESPn or something. Tell me something else that I didn't know I was supposed to know.
you my future wifey
Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, yeah
Wait wait wait....whooooa there, Horsey. Sloooow down, cowboy. And what is up with this pep talk you're giving yourself? Shouldn't that be like...I dunno...an internal conversation? Yeah. That's what I thought.
You can be my Bonnie
Yeah...see....the key word here is "can". Whether or not I will remains to be seen.
I can be your Clyde
You sure can, sweet thaaaaang. But will you be? That, sugar plum, is the question we must ask ourself. Let us meditate on it like true masters of the Ninja.Fu. ;)
You could be my wife, text me, call me
Aaaawww, that's sweet. I'll think about it. :D
I need you in my life, yeah all day ever
yday I need ya
And every time I see ya my feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya, I really wanna kiss you but I can't
Six, seven, eight, triple nine, eight, two, one, two
Wow. Everyday, huh? THAT'S RIGHT!! YOU BETTA RECOGNIZE!! Haa haa haa!! And, pumpkin, that's not my number. But good try.
Baby I been thinking lately so much about you
Everything about you, I like it, I love it
Kissing you in public, thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen, talking on the phone
Baby you so sexy, your voice is so lovely
I love your complexion, I miss ya, I miss ya, I miss ya
Aaaaww....tee hee hee...okay, you can call me.
HAA HAA HAA!!!
God, I'm such a dork. x)
Friday, April 10, 2009
There's a Korean soup called SamGyeTang (am I spelling this right??!!) and I didn't realize how close it is to the stuff I grew up drinking when I was little.
Anyway, I happily threw a whole bunch of stuff together into a huge pot and TA DAAAA!!! Soup done!! Here's a picture. I'm so proud.
Chicken Soup!! Yummy!!
So I put the following into it:
- a couple of these dried bark looking things
- a few slivers of this white root looking thingy
- a handful of dried red dates
- some dried chestnuts
- 3 ginseng roots
- a clove of garlic
- a ton of green onions (not literally)
- sea salt
Oh yeah. There's a skinned cornish hen somewhere in all that. Dude, I'm really good at skinning chickens. Maybe I should've been a surgeon. :D
So I'm all proud of myself and I posted it for my friends to see and this is what those dorks said about my lovely soup.
MidasMan - that hen looks like a lil frog...lol
Mr.Squats - that looks like a little fetus
OMG!!! THEY'RE TOTALLY DISSING THE POOR CHICKEN THAT SACRIFICIED ITSELF SO THAT I COULD HAVE SOME SOUP!!!
Friday, Apr 10th, 2009 -- The Moon's visit to your sign indicates a couple of days of heightened emotional intensity, yet the changes you go through now can be of lasting significance. You might be fearful of the unknown and could react by holding on to an old habit or a relationship that's no longer serving your best interests. But this isn't about recklessly dropping someone or something; it's about initiating action that increases growth and leads to evolution.
Craaaziness. I am scared of the unknown buuuut it's time to stretch those lovely black wings of mine and take flight once more. I"m getting a little tired of sitting pretty on this ledge. I think it's time to take a leap and see how far I can fly.
For those I'm leaving behind in this pretty enclave, the probability of you knowing who you are is pretty slim. The probability of you seeing this is also slim to none. But on the off chance you know who you are and you see this, know that I'm not leaving you behind. I'm merely going out for a ride to see what my next adventure will take me. Home is still home and I'll always come back but right now, my wanderlust is getting the best of me. While I love to adventure via games and what not, sometimes my actual life is stranger than any fiction out there and right now, this is the game I want to play. I'll be back to play again so don't you worry, sweet pea. We all gotta grow up sometime. The difference is I know that I'm a Toys R Us kid at heart and that's what sets us apart from the legions.
I'm a fighter because I, too, am also a survivor and right now, I know what it is that I want. I'm gonna go get it.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Case in point - this writing thing.
I called my cousin's friend who was a great help in helping me get started on this writing thing. Her name is Cami Walker, her website is 29gifts.org and she is an amazing woman. Her story is unbelievable and the movement she started is a testament to just how far we can go if we but dare to dream. Her book is coming out this fall and I know I'm gonna go read it.
Like me, she was a total n00b about this whole writing thing and I am so grateful she took time out of her day to help me by pointing me in the right direction. She gave me a bunch of great advice and also a few sources I should look into if I'm serious about this book writing thing.
I thought about it for a few weeks and didn't do much about it besides just bounce the idea around further in my head like that Pong game from back in the day. Should I? Should I not? Ping Pong PIng Pong goes the idea as it's rattling around my cranium.
And then one day I figured "What the hell. Why not?". Seriously. What have I got to lose? I've got a career as a nurse so it's not like I'm scrambling for a job. I'm a bit gun shy on starting a crazy business now. I'm researching stuff with my mom's friends to see if it'll be worth my while but all this requires a lot of $$$ up front. Writing requires nothing from me except what I've got in my head, a laptop (gotta love ClydeMacBook), some SASE and thick skin.
Dude, I'm all systems go. You know, now that I think about it, most of the more memorable moments of my life have started by me saying to myself "Oh, what the hell. Why the hell not"?. Scary, huh? Haa haa haa!
So I called Jen Sincero of jensincero.com to ask her a few questions about her course. This lady is a best selling author, she talked her way into Oprah and HBO and sells out speaking engagements.
Uh. Dude. Teach me!!! me Me MEEEE!!!
She asked me what my premise of the book would be so I told her. She cracked up laughing and after she was done haa-haa-haa'ing over what I sketched out for her, she was like "Omg, you are so funny!!! And you have a basis for a platform already! You have to do it". So I did.
I signed up for her class, the same class that Cami Walker too, because if Cami could have a workable book proposal by the end of 9 weeks, then dammit, so can I. :)
I'm excited but scared also....but, you know, it's not a bad scared. Kind of like the scared you feel right before you take that huge leap into something new and unfamiliar territory.
Monday, February 2, 2009
I've still got a whole lotta growing to do and a whole lot more to learn but here's one thing I do know. Not just any warm body will do. That person must be someone you can relate to, someone you can talk WITH (not talk "at" or talk "to". No no no, my friends. You want someone you can talk WITH because then and only then will it be a conversation and not a one-sided barrage of words), have a good time with doing something extremely exciting (like ... sky-diving) or something extremely mundane (playing video / computers game together!! Omg, I'm a FUH-REAK for games. Wanna know why? Cuz I'm a Toys 'R Us kid and I've never really grown up), someone who is stimulating and will help you grow as a person, to debate with, to go on a date with, someone who will let you cry on their shoulder and who will also cry on yours.
Someone who will bring you aspirin when you've got the mother of all hangovers and someone who will drink every last drop of the chicken soup you made just for them when they are sick even though it tastes like rubber cement and proclaim it the best chicken soup they've ever had.
Someone who respects and loves you just the way you are, someone who will gently helps you become a richer person and who you happily do the same for. By "richer", I'm not talking about the Benjies, okay people? Yeah. I'm talking about the stuff that money can never buy.
Someone who share your interests but at the same time, expose you to something new. Someone who will always be loyal to you and who inspires you to do the same. Someone who isn't afraid to share their dreams with you and who you want to be a part of your dreams. Someone who is always supporting you and never treats you like shit, someone who is strong enough to let me support in times when he needs me, someone who will appreciate me despite the path I walked and the invisible scars I accumulated in the process because that was the only way I became the person he loves. - the perfect partner in crime, my version of Clyde.
This person probably doesn't exist but I hope he does. And until our paths cross (or maybe they already did but the time wasn't quite right) I suppose I'll have to slog through a bunch of pseudo-Clydes, but my hope, my fondest wish is that one day, he will find me and I will find him. But, in the meantime, in addition to ranting and raving about utterly random things, I will be ranting and raving about my (mis)adventures in trying to find my Clyde. This should be interesting...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Recently, during a trip to Hawaii, I realized my work shoes had no role to fill here and boots really serve no purpose in a place known as Paradise. Only then did I realize the sad state my toes were in. I meant to redo my toenail polish but life keeps getting in my way. I kept putting it off day after day all the while telling myself I'll get to them tomorrow. I turned a blind eye to the sight of the polish first fading and I pointedly ignored it when the tired paint finally relinquished their tenacious hold and simply disappeared.
Once upon a time, I took meticulous care of my nails. I pampered my hands and my feet twice a month. The moment I noticed even the tiniest, miniscule imperction would find me immediately making my way to my favorite mani-pedi spa in Honolulu, Los Angeles or New York. I would never have allowed myself to deteriorate into this forsaken state.
Once upon a time, no one and nothing would ever or could ever hurt me. I was impervious to any and all attacks. I was fearless simply because I didn't give a fuck. The "me" I showed the world was filed away into perfect ovals. My true self was safely hidden away and sheathed in numerous layers of lacquer expertly applied to hide the true nature of what dreamed underneath. All this was expertly designed by me in order to give the illusion of a perfection that is simultaneously entirely unnatural and yet utterly attainable. This is what's commonly known as a French manicure. What an odd name. A manicure. Man-I-Cure. Hidden within its very name is an implication that man (or men) can be cured like some rare disease. How delightfully absurd. Glinting from their secured perch would be cold crystals happily breaking apart the light that fell upon them.. Etched upon the finger of my choice on both hands would either be a delicate flower, a blessing or a symbol of death.
Secreted away from plain view upon my feet would be armor of a different color. Usually, it would be a darker shade but, to be more precise, a more sinister color. No pretense of faked perfection here. I suppose I allowed my truer colors to show because sometimes my feet were the first thing people could and would see. I figured it was fair game to give them fair warning. No one was ever the wiser and that was a secret joke I laughed about all the time. My preferred shade of choice was the chameleon polish that would always shift and change colors depending on which angle you happened to be looking at me from. Tattooed upon those nails would be flowers wrapped in thorns or something equally sharp.
Today, I looked at them and realized I had been neglecting myself. The once vibrant ruby red I had painted was now tired and could only hint with a desolate sigh at the color it once was. It angered me. Red is the color of love, the color of passion and the color of life. How could I not have paid it proper attention and immediately intervened on my own behalf but, even worse, how could I willingly have done this to myself? Thinking back these past couple of years, I realized exactly how long it's been since I last let myself take precedence above others. I've slipped and as a result, I've paid for it dearly.
In a rage, I stripped off the old layer of paint. In one fell swoop, I erased the old hurts, the anger, the hate. I removed with a fury all the pain I sustained, all the hopeless riddles I wasted countless nights trying to decipher. I successfully attacked and swiped away all the useless daydreams and half realized realities I wove around myself, deluded myself into wishing for and let others spin around me in a kind of cocoon that would never allow me to leave but one that I willingly subjected myself to.
Once my nails were laid bare, I gazed upon their naked form. Finally, I have something to work with. With painstaking care, I reapplied the same shade of luscious ruby and painted into myself new dreams and brighter hopes.
I watched with a satisfaction bordering on ferocity as the polish set. Once again, my hidden heart is properly sheathed and armored but the me the world sees? It is bare by my choice for a reason all my own.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I also realized that wine = best sleeping aid e-v-a-r. As in, I passed out by 10:30 last night but I think drinking from 10 a.m. had something to do with it. Funny how something as teeny weeny and as innocuous as a flippin grape CAN KICK MY ASS TILL KINGDOM COME!!
That's right. Something purple-ish (or red...or white...or black...whatever. I'm just going to stick with purple since it's easier to say that than to try to remember all the different colors of grapes used in wine and obsessing over the EXACT color. Yeah) and the size of my pinky nail managed to knock me flat on my rear but you know what? It hurt so good although driving back today from Solvang kind of hurt in a not happy way. Good thing I drive what I do...but it's kind of a mixed blessing because I don't realize how fast I'm going because the ride is that smooth...kind of like the wines I was "tasting". Goes down like purple satin so you're tricked into thinking "Eh, this is nothing! And it's a fruit so it's good for me! I'm having lots of one of the AHA recommended food groups! They just didn't say it couldn't be in fermented form! Whee!! I'm smart!".
And then...yeah...I've passed out by 10:30. Awe-some-ness.
Best advice I heard the entire trip? This was after drinking from 4:30 p.m. when I checked in till the wee hours of 5:00 a.m. the following day...and then waking up at 9:15 to get started on a whole full day of wine tasting. Keep in mind there was a hefty glass of Macallan mixed into all this wine the night between the hours of 7 and 9 p.m.
"What? You're tired? I know what will make you feel better! Have some more wine. Come on! We're in wine country! No sleepies in wine country! You can sleep in LA!".
Dude, how am I supposed to argue against that kind of logic? And whaddya know...I wasn't tired anymore because I completely bypassed that state of mind into Happy BonnieLand. Aaaw yeaa....
I came crashing back to reality with what was supposed to be 11 bottles of wine but actually only 7 of them made it back to LA (4 were sacrificed for the greater good of Keeping Bonnie Happily Blitzed During Her First E-V-A-R Trip To Wine Country during the two nights I was there because everything was closed. OMGWTF, SERIOUSLY??!!!), a bunch of Riedel glasses etched with the names of vineyards visited, a lot of fuzzy memories, a few clear and coherent ones in addition to a very sincere addiction to good wine.
I also told a girlfriend of mine tonight that if you really are what you eat (eat...drink....whatever. I say toe-may-toe, you say toe-MAH-toe....is all good to me), then I've turned into a freaking grape but that's not necessarily a bad thing because I just realized just how hard a freaking grape can kick a person's aaaazzz, lemme tell you. Like my friend Paul PK Kim says, "It's not about size, it's about surprise!". It suuuuuure is....omg.....a freaking grape....well, to be completely truthful, it's not a single grape that handed me my butt back on a platter but a whole BUSLOAD of those little suckers. Okay. I feel better now. :D
I don't know how I'm going to ever be happy with what used to be my favorite place to get wine - the wine aisle of Ralph's. Haa haa haa omg. I can't wait to go back.
Monday, January 12, 2009
1. Providing your friends with hard evidence that you really do all the crazy things they said you did during the night/weekend/whatever but that you vehemently deny
2. Prove that you really are that crazy and no amount of "No, I didn't" will ever convince anyone otherwise. Uh huh.
Not that this has ever happened to me. No way. Yeah.
Aaanyway, I figured this is a new year so I might as well give myself a new name and a new blog to boot. I've been using the same name for so long and I've come a long a way with that name but I think it's time to try on a new skin. I'll always keep that journal but I think it's time to try something new. You know. Out with the old and in with the new except I don't entirely agree with that only because I love my old blog. I watched myself grow with that blog. I go back every now and then to see where I've come from and where I dreamed I would go. Whether or not that's where I am today isn't as important as how I managed to get here. It's because of this that I decided to keep what I have where it is. Call it a sense of loyalty or whatever you want but that's the way I am. I suppose that's also why I'm a packrat but that's neither here nor there.
The way I form memories is kind of weird so if I didn't have a place to write what I needed to, I would forget so many things that I wish I didn't. So. I write to remember. I write so that I don't forget. I also write to remind myself that there is humor in every situation if I only remember to look for it and if it not humor, then there is something beautiful. I think I'll be combining my stories from the past with the ones I'll be forming from this point on. Yeah...that sounds good to me. Kind of like a nod to the past while you revise the "what was" into "what is" and "what will be"...yeah, I talk like I know fashion..which I really don't...I just read a lot of smutty magazines and I can parrot them pretty good by now. Awesomeness.
Thank you, Tangerine, for helping me figure out exactly what the hell I'm doing. He is absolutely awesome! If it wasn't for him, I still wouldn't have this up. I think he figured out real fast that he couldn't just help me set this up because he's such a smart pumpkin pie. I'm not sure if it was the fact that I kept going "....um....sooooo....." or if it was the look of complete and utter panic he saw on my face after he tried to explain it to me. Granted, I took programming classes before (that was actually my major. Woooo....yeah....didn't happen though, people. I just couldn't deal with the fact that I had to take math classes that had no numbers. I mean, seriously. Math? With no numbers? OmgWth) and I have a working knowledge of these newfangled things called a "computer" work but uh...dude, programming classes was over 8 years ago and I'm in a whole 'nutha field now so that should tell you how fresh this stuff is in my mind. Yeah. So now you know why I have to blog. Uh huh. ....uh... I was saying something. Oh yeah. So he ended up just taking over and doing everything for me. Yaaaaaaaay!!! He so rocks. Love it Love It LOVE IT!!
So for those of you who have no idea who I am, it's nice to meet you. Step into my world but don't forget to take your shoes off first.
For those of you who have followed me from wherever it was where we met, you know the deal.
Peace, Love, * muah *, I'm out.
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