I'M ON IMDb!!!

Summer is almost over. The last wave of blockbuster movies are here. Leading the last hurrah is this little movie based off of beloved toys called "G.I. Joe". I watched it. Twice.



My Two Page Movie Review Is Here

Guess where my review ended up?

IT'S ON IMDb!!!

Yeah. IMDb. If you scroll down to the bottom of the list, you'll see YouBentMyWookie.com [MissBonnified].

That's me. And my review.

OMFG!!!!1!!one!!!eleventy-one!!!

When I found out, guess what my first thought and reaction was?

"....holy crap....that's me. ....I'm going to throw up now".

That's right. My first gut reaction (har har har) when discovering that MY REVIEW is on this site was to toss my cookies. I was (and still am) that excited.

I'm on the same eff-ing page of critics as Roger Ebert, the LA Times, NY Times and other really cool sites/people/stuff.

Hells-to-the-YEEEAAAAA!!!

My Mom Thinks I Need Help

My mom is hilarious. I think she temporarily gave up on getting me to give her a grand baby via the unconventional way. As in, she's given up trying to talk me into being a single mother by storming and pillaging the sperm banks. Perhaps OctoMom kind of put things in perspective for her. God, I hope so. This is perhaps the only productive thing the OctoMom has done that I can think of. F'real....

So the whole grandbaby thing out of my womb is put on hold because she's currently fixated on how to get me to land a husband. I told her the order goes like thus :

1. Meeting someone
2. Going on date(s) with said someone
3. DATING this person
4. Dating this person exclusively

...and then he pops the question and then we get married.

Then again, she was also the one who was half joking when she said she'd be okay with me as a single mother. Can you blame me for wanting to make sure she knows the right steps on how things go?

She's tried everything. She wants to set me up with the sons of her friends...who happen to live in a whole 'nother country. That's right. You read it correctly.

C-O-U-N-T-R-Y.

Not "county". Not "down the street", "next door" or, hell, "a couple of states over". She's taking it to the level of Foreign Nations and stuff. Kind of makes the whole "dating" thing weird unless he wants to keep flying me out to see him or he wants to fly down here to see me.

Then she starts attacking my closet. 90% of what I own (hospital scrubs aside) are black. She flipped through my stuff and let the following comment slip out *oops* like it was an accident.

"Aiya, Bonnie....at least we know you're always ready for a funeral".

My mom, the comedian. Bada bing.

Having skewered my taste in colors (or lack thereof), she moved in on my jeans. She firmly believes that I need to wear jeans that show off my ASSets more. I see nothing wrong with my jeans! They fit! They're comfortable! They don't make muffin tops of my hips!!

She's arguing that I need to wear TIGHTER jeans!! This is her point :

"Aiya!! Bonnie! How do you ever plan on getting a nice boyfriend when you won't wear clothes that show off your nice figure and your butt?"

Um...yeah. So this was my counterargument :

"MOMMY!!! DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GO OUT WITH A GUY BECAUSE HE ONLY LIKES MY BUTT?! AND THAT WAS WHAT GOT HIS ATTENTION?! What the hell kind of a 'nice boyfriend' do you think I'd get if I wore super tight ass jeans all the time! I'm willing to bet they're not the kind of 'nice boyfriends' you're thinking of!"

Yeah....she kind of stopped harping on my jeans now. ;)

I didn't know why she suddenly stopped with the whole loving nagging thing...that is, until her plan was revealed to me.

It turns out there's this temple in Taiwan that specializes in finding love for those who look for it. My mom has decided to enlist the powers of Heaven in helping me find a good man.

Yes, people. My mom has finally decided my ass needs all the help I can get because:

1. No earthly force is strong enough to sufficiently wear me down enough to succumb to any man besides the Sandman (and even he's a bastard sometimes. Geez...)

2. I am beyond all human help. Only the gods and Divine intervention can save me now.

My mom goes to these monks and speaks with them in Japanese/Chinese. I don't know if she explained my situation to those poor monks but if she did, I can imagine it sounding a little like this :

Si Fu, you don't understand. My first born, my dragonfly of a daughter, is a sweet girl. She is so smart....she probably could've been a genius if I hadn't dropped...never mind...

She always makes people laugh...especially me but I think I'm biased because I'm her mother.

She's tall...actually, she's freakishly tall...and I tell her to stop wearing such high heels because even though they make her beautiful legs (she gets them from me) look even lovelier, it also makes her a giant and all the other boys look too short next to her. Aiya, and she's too stubborn to stop wearing them!

She says 'It's not my fault I'm tall. Milk did my body gooooood, Mommy! Thanks! Too bad they didn't have you around to make them drink it the way you got me to drink it every day! ...maybe that's a good thing because if they did have you around to do that for them, then that means they're my brother and I don't swang that-a-way, Mommy. That's just gross and sick and I don't get down like that. So. Like I was saying. It's not my fault I'm so much taller. Tee hee hee, I LOVE YOU, MOMMY!!!'

Si Fu...she's a wonderful, lovely girl...but AIYA, SI FU!! SHE'S SOOOOO STUBBORN!!

There is no getting through to that girl! I tell her all the time she needs to find a nice man who will love her, cherish her and adore her so they can get married and start a family. But what do you think she says to me, Si Fu? She tells me 'Argh...Mommy, I will I will!! I'm just too busy right now! I'll find him when the time is right or he'll find me when the time's right but since we haven't found each other yet, OBVIOUSLY it's not the right time! Right? Oh...heytimetogobacktoworkILOVEYOU,MOMMY,BYE!!'

That's what she says to me, Si Fu. I keep telling her that she's not a blushing blossom anymore but she won't listen to me! I tell her that a woman after the age of 25 is like a flower that is starting to wilt. But she laughs at me! At ME!! HER MOTHER!! And then you know what she say, Si Fu? She says to me 'Mommy. Don't you know that 30 is the new 20?'

Si Fu, she says that to me. I'm her mother. Mei Da, Mei Xiao!

[rough translation = "no differentiation between the larger and the smaller of the two. Essentially, it means I'm not recognizing the fact that she's my elder thus worthy of respect. I think my Mommy feels like this sometimes because I'm always giggling and I run circles around her when we're discussing this issue. She loves me. I can tell. Haa haa haa! :D Back to the story]

She says that like it's the best excuse ever and then she has the nerve to tell me (HER MOTHER), 'Oh, hey look! I'm technically not 30 yet! I'm still good to go'....and then she laugh at me.

Si Fu....what am I to do? Can you not help me help her in her quest to find love? Sure, she might not TELL me she's looking for love but I'm her mother. I know best. I don't care what she THINKS she knows. I know. I'm her mother."

I think Si Fu might've felt bad for my mother because I get the following package in the mail.


Yummy yummy!! SUGARSUGARSUGAR!
FOR ME! I can haz it!
MINE MINE MINE GIVE TO ME NOW OMG
I super <3 the little pouch thingy.
I've no idea what it says.
Barney the Tapeworm super <3 the sugary treats

Yup. I apparently need a combo of not 1. Not 2. Heck, not even 3. I need an arsenal of 4 different heavenly amulets and, literally, blessed sugary goodness.

The first object is like an amulet. I looked inside it and found a spool of red thread. I'll explain this next time.

The next 3 are cookies and candies. I'll tell the funny story about how my mom almost threw down AT THE TEMPLE for this cookie. My mom's GANGSTA!! One is a Japanese milk candy. I LOVE THIS STUFF!! The next one is a strawberry candy. I love that one too!!

It should be no surprise that I ate them all. It was yummy. :D

Let's see if all my mom's hard work pays off. ^___^

OMGWTF I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW!!!

I got into my car the other day and it reeked of onions. I sat in the driver's seat stunned because I couldn't figure out when and why I was eating grilled onions in my car...and that's when something else besides the lingering stench of onions hit me full Monty.

I knew exactly where it came from. I also knew who dared to defile my car.

I think I'm going to calm down a bit before going any further because to say I am not happy is like Captain Obvious pointing out that water is wet, fire is hot and if I ever see that person again, I'm not only going to make them detail my car but I'm going to make him lick the grease from said onions off of my leather seats.

Yum Yum

I discovered a new scent that works wonders in attracting men. I swear, someone should consider bottling this stuff up.

I'll get into more details later. I'm so tired and I have this thing called "work" in the morning. Omg...

What a crazy weekend. I'm actually glad it's over... x)

Go, Joe!

I'm going to get to the point. I loved the G.I. Joe movie.

Okay, now that I got that cleared up, I'm going to tell you why. I know what the reviews are. I know what they scored on RottenTomatoes.com. So ask me if I care. I don't. Besides, I don't take anything seriously from the site named after deteriorating vegetables. I also don't particularly care about the opinions of people I don't know because I'm a big girl now and I can make my own opinions, mmkaythxbye.

So here's why I liked it in a nutshell :

1. Sh!t Gets Blown UP OMG

Don't get me wrong. I love me some chick flicks to get all emo.funkdafied to but I also really Really REALLY love movies that spend most of their budget figuring out ways to blow shit up in really interesting ways.

2. Hot Chicks In Slinky Outfits



There is something incredibly sexy about the female figure. I'm not talking about the supermodels because they remind me of adolescent boys with melons mounted on their chest wall. Not sexy.

Sienna Miller is perfect as the Baroness. Rachel Nichols isn't bad as Scarlett. I didn't really know how I felt about her playing the same character I adored as a little girl who barely knew English but she grew on me.

Did I mention there's a killer girl-on-girl brawl? Not that I advocate violence but some bitches just need their asses kicked. I won't say who won the Catfight Of The Catsuits.

3. Almost * sort of * Hairless Cabana Boys

Ripcord, Duke and Storm Shadow all get half naked.

There is a God. This is probably what will get all the females into the theater. I have to say this is pretty smart of whoever wrote this movie. Not too many girls are like me, meaning :

a. I like video games
b. I like comic books
c. I like movies where stuff gets blown up

However, I can't think of many women who won't enjoy a succulent piece of eye candy. :D

What's even smarter is who they got to get half nekkid. Think about it.

You got your All American in the form of Duke/Channing Tatum.

You got your hot chocolate served up courtesy of Ripcord/Marlon Wayans.

And Storm Shadow/Byung Hun Lee puts it down as a prime example of why Asian men are fucking hot as hell. Hello. Did you not peep that bod on that man? I sure did.

Added bonus and my personal favorite?

4. Hellooooooo, Ninja Man


Hi. I think I love you.
Haa haa haa omg.

I love the strong and silent men. This probably explains my current obsession with Snake Eyes. Yes, he doesn't talk. He's a wounded man. Makes you wanna take his pain away.

He swings wicked katana. He knows his way around a gun. The man doesn't know the meaning of "give up".

Did I mention that outfit of his doesn't exactly leave a whole lot to the imagination?

Toad, Snake Eyes, Darth Maul....Oh my!!!

I'm still recovering from the insanity known as San Diego Comic Con. Holy crap, what the hell...you know, I don't think any amount of preparation could've helped my clueless ass deal with the sheer enormity of this thing.

Comic Con was about 2 weeks ago. I'm still trying to recover. That's sad. I chalk it up to running around in costume from press room to press room trying to figure out where the hell I'm going. I'm super happy to say I didn't get lost ONCE!! As in, I DIDN'T GET LOST AT ALL!!! And I managed to do this without the help of any hairless cabana boys. That's how awesome I am. I even * sort of * learned how to read a map! I'm very proud of myself.

What were the highlights of Comic Con for me?

1. I Got My Cherry Popped Twice

I was a virgin to Comic Con and interviewing people. Comic Con was crazy. The first ever guy I interviewed, David Johnson, was so nice. He's the screenwriter of the super creepy movie "The Orphan".

I ended up being late for the interview because of the hellacious thing known as Traffic but he was kind enough to spare me a few moments and answered my questions. He is teh awesomeness. He was gentle. Haa haa haa!!!

2. OMFG, IT'S TIM BURTON!!!

I GOT TO INTERVIEW TIM BURTON!!!

I GOT TO INTERVIEW TIM BURTON!!!

I got to ask the man himself two questions about his upcoming Alice In Wonderland movie. And he answered them.

I nearly fainted.

3. Geeked Out

I also got to pretend I was something of a weird hybrid of Professor Xavier and Jean Grey by playing Mattel's Mind Flex.

I really really want one.

---

But you know what what really made my Comic Con experience? As in, this even topped my encounter with his Stripey Socksedness, Tim Burton?

I got to hang out with Ray Park. Omg...it was so hard not to squeal like a fangirl because....dude...he's Darth friggin' Maul. Darth Maul is one of the hottest bad guys there is besides Hannibal Lecter.



Hawtness. Epic mad love for any one who can swing that bad boy around.

Something about those cracked out eyes, horns, red and black face just screams "HOT!! HOT HOT HOT!!" And the way he swings that light saber around? Good Lord... Granted, Darth Maul's got some funkay teeth (those have GOT to go) but hey...that's why we have dentists. :D

And now he's Snake Eyes...omg...



Hellloooooo Hello. How you doin'? Haa haa haa!
* ahem * Wow, it's hot in here.
Did I ever mention my favorite colors are black and red?

You know what? I don't care if the critics love the new G.I. Joe movie or not. I really don't care. I'm still going to go see it anyway because I grew up thinking I was Scarlett.

I didn't know a whole lot of English back then but I knew enough to say the following:

"I'm Scarlett. You Cobra bad guys"

...right before I proceeded to reenact scenes from the cartoon episode I had just seen the day before. I was a special little girl.

I didn't want to pepper Ray Park with a bunch of questions when I met him because I didn't think it was fair to bombard the poor man with all the things I wanted to ask him. It was Happy Hour. I wanted to relax. I'm sure he did too. However, I did learn a thing or two...like what exactly Blood Pudding is in addition to another funny dish known as Spotted Dick.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get to interview him one day. Until then, I'm gonna wait for the release of G.I. Joe and finish recuperating from Insanity a.k.a. San Diego Comic Con 2009.